Rebirth

Hey guys,

Just to say I am sorry I haven't posted much lately. Life has a way of interfering and making things interesting. I will be putting up more random reviews soon. Stay tuned!

-Mark

FILM SPOT - The Ward (2011)

So, Halloween is upon us, it seems only right I review a horror film and so here is The Ward, a return to films by John Carpenter who after the disastrous Ghosts of Mars (2001) took a great deal of time off. This time he partly spent directing episodes for the Masters of Horror series, an occasionally hit and miss anthology of horror stories that seemed to get him back to basics with the whole horror thing. For those who saw any of these episodes, you can definitely see shades of them in 'The Ward', particularly the episode 'Pro-Life' which was set in an abortion clinic. The Ward concerns Kristin (Amber Heard), a young woman who torches a farmhouse to the ground and is then put into a psychiatric ward. As she adjusts to life there, she becomes aware of disappearances and strange happenings in the night. It becomes pretty obvious to her that nobody leaves the ward, and she starts to work out why. Now, the refreshing thing about this film is that it is relatively free of shoddy CG effects and is stage-managed extremely well by Carpenter. The jump scares actually work, and there is a very disturbing atmosphere to the whole piece. Now, I am a huge John Carpenter fan, and you can see his auteur fingerprints all over it. The pacing is superb, and he manages to suffuse the film with a dread that hangs on even as the numbers start dropping, something which a lot of modern horror films are unable to do. This may sound like it is leading up to a point, and yes I have been skirting around the matter of the script for a reason. Specifically, that the script itself is actually quite disappointing. It isn't that it is badly written per se, I have seen badly written horror films and this is not one of them. The problem is that it becomes far too 'been there done that' for its own good. The twist of 'The Ward', and I will not reveal it for spoiler reasons managed to galvanize a single reaction out of me.

'Is that it?' 

Amber clearly just saw the Human Centipede.

                                   
 It's just a rather banal explanation, which while explained well, has never worked in my opinion. It didn't work when Identity (2003) did it, and it will not work now. It's an intriguing idea that nobody can execute because it feels like the 'It was all a dream' twist of horror films, i.e a great big fat Deus Ex Machina to explain and resolve plotlines. I will also briefly mention the performances. They are largely fine, although I have to be honest; how on earth is Amber Heard quite this prolific? She isn't a bad actress, but I would hardly describe her as the next big thing so it is a surprise to see her in so many films at the moment. Her performances are largely functional, and her mechanical performance in this is kept on the rails pretty much by John Carpenter's assured direction. There is little point mentioning character development, as their lack of 'character' or histories is somewhat tied in to the big twist which again somewhat disappoints me and leads me unable to say much more about it. Overall, it's a good bash at the horror film but I would have expected more. It does cheer me however that John Carpenter has not lost his touch, and perhaps gifted with a better script, he could be right back at the top of his game again.  

DVD REVIEW - Lake Mungo (2008)

Where do we find the line between grief and horror? At which point does our mind decide to accept something and yet find a credible explanation within the incredible? This is something very much woven into the texture of Lake Mungo, an Australian documentary-style horror that follows a family, the Palmers, following the loss of their sixteen year old daughter Alice. The film's narrative shows how they deal with the bereavement and the impact this loss has on the family unit, and how the aftermath is messier than the event itself. If this only makes it sound like a rather maudlin melodrama about death and loss, that is to misrepresent this film. What we have here is a genuinely spooky film, which will at times make you extremely uncomfortable and, bets of all, makes you afraid of what is not there. The age old adage of 'the less you see, the scarier it is' applies rarely as well as it does here. The film tackles the subject of ghosts sensibly, letting us doubt the truth as to the presence of supernatural forces instead of forcing us to assume their de-facto presence immediately, as can often be the problem of horror films. As the family starts to come to believe that their daughter is somehow appearing to them, and her communications start turning up shocking revelations about her life, the film gets creepier and more skin-crawlingly disturbing as it reaches its climax. There are several twists that are far from easily spotted, and the film performs some excellent acts of misdirection and cinematic sleights of hand that prevent the obvious explanations from surfacing.

                                

The film's balance of cynicism and belief is evenly balanced; the characters are rational and believable, and for once does not immediately throw the 'woman believes, man scoffs' chestnut at us. Everybody here is confused and suspicious as to what is going on, which makes Ray Kemeny (a medium) a fascinating presence as nobody really believes he is attempting to help anybody. His eventual connection with the family is quite touching, but is earned by his virtues as a man rather than decided through his role as a spiritual medium. Probably the most frightening aspects of Lake Mungo are what turn up in the found camera footage. While the idea of the son being a major film buff and having loads of cameras does feel a bit crowbarred in so we can get this footage in the first place, it is the only viable explanation as to how it is present in the movie at all. It does however, provide considerably more scares than Paranormal Activity does; especially when one of the film's finest moment, in which we are shown an old piece of footage in a new light that changes the truth we have established so well that it genuinely shocks you. Dissecting the film too thoroughly will ruin the surprise, but let us just say it uses the documentary format well and ultimately produces one of the most frightening horror films of recent times. It also manages to unleash a cavalcade of horrifying revelations that make the skin crawl. The possible reason for this is the realism of the whole thing. It starts off as that most nightmarish of situations, in which a girl is missing and her whereabouts are unknown. Except instead of being reassured with a simple truth of death, and the ability to grieve and then move on, the story of Alice gets longer, more sinister and complicated and it begins to deeply affect the characters of the film. The first two acts are bad enough but the final third is just devastating, and contains perhaps one of the single most disturbing twists I have seen a horror film. Believe me, Blair Witch's kid-in-the-corner has nothing on Lake Mungo's final storytelling flourish.

Let us try to wrap this up by reasoning why Lake Mungo is as frightening as it is. Films about demonic possession have scared people for years, but these days, the demons are tangible entities usually rendered as special effects - we know it is fake and very little the filmmakers can do convince us otherwise. With teenagers becoming more of a mystery to the previous generation however, a terror of pedophiles lurking around around every corner and our own fascination with macabre secrets, it is clear that our fears have shifted. The monsters no longer have big teeth and claws, but disarming smiles and hidden basements. Lake Mungo taps into these deepest darkest fears, and runs amok with them. Disturbing, ghostly, frightening and never pulling a single punch, Lake Mungo is one of the best horror films of the year, if not the decade.

DVD SPOT - Thor (2011)

A problem that dogs any superhero film is how to turn the ridiculous into the sublime. How does a filmmaker, in all good conscience, turn a comic-book about a Shakespearean Nordic god with a giant hammer whose power is rooted in magic fit in to the steadfastly scientific world of films like Iron Man without making a rather camp hash of the whole thing? These films after all do co-exist, The Avengers in 2012 is the all-star show that features each of these guys. The Avengers, in case you do not realise, are a group of Marvel superheroes that consist of The Hulk, Iron Man, Hawkeye (who turns up in Thor), the Black Widow and Captain America. Now, the thing about them is that they are created by or utilise science for their powers. The odd one out in this posse is Thor. The central issue here is that, as much as comic-book purists will claim otherwise, the 'classic' Thor comics were a bit rubbish.

I mean, come on.

It was all painfully overwrought stuff with lots of dialogue along the lines of 'Nought remains but to cast mine hammer skywards to the clouds!', and while had its moments, could never be taken seriously if adapted straight up for the big screen. Until J. Michael Stracynzski came along of course. Although controversial in the world of comicbooks at the moment, he has managed to reinvent classic characters with dignity and strength that was not thought possible. One of these was definitely Thor, and in fact he has a screenwriting credit simply on the basis that his portrayal of Thor heavily influenced this production. What he achieved was making the Thor series believable, even tragic and often making it very funny too. With all this influence in mind, how does the actual cinematic version come across? Thor was never going to be one of the more intimate heroes. His is a family saga, the conflict is between brothers taking centre stage, as is the conflict between father and son. It's actually refreshing to see a superhero who isn't created by accident or in a science experiment, so the circumstances of Thor's fall from grace are quite fascinating. Thor is a prince (Chris Hemsworth) of Asgard, another dimension where the entire cadre of Norse gods have residence. He is by turns arrogant, selfish and incredibly headstrong. After a somewhat ill advised invasion of another realm belonging to the Ice Giants, Thor is stripped of his powers and banished to earth as a mortal man by Odin.

Thor staring down at his hammer. Oh, leave me alone, I had to make the joke once.

The set up is straightforward enough. The unusual thing about Thor however is how unclear it is who the main villain actually is. While Loki obviously looks the part, he does not always behave like an antagonist, making him far deeper and more interesting than most 'I-vant-to-take-over-ze-wurlt!' types of villain. Why are all these characters, who should be silly archetypes, actually interesting? Step forward Kenneth Branagh. While he has had his down days (Frankenstein, anyone?) his grasp of character is generally faultless. He has directed enough Shakespeare to know how villains scheme without being noticed, how heroes can fall and then redeem themselves in a realistic fashion. So while the idea of Branagh directing a pop-corn superhero epic is a test of believability, he actually pulls it off, combining some great character work with stonking action sequences. The humans are perhaps the more dull of the characters, but then they were always going to be. This does not mean they are a waste of space though. Natalie Portman is a likeable and spunky heroine and Stellan Skarsgard is good fun as her Uncle. The fish out of water comedy of Thor in small town America is also highly entertaining, when by rights it should not be. The sight of Thor declaring coffee a 'fine beverage!' and then breaking the cup on the floor in a godly roar while shocked onlookers stare in horror is something I wish I saw more in films. Naturally the thrust of the plot is Thor trying to get back his powers, and learning to become a better person along the way. Naturally the threat of the film gets in the way of his efforts, producing a really gung-ho action climax that had me grinning like a jackal. 

Guess which of the two sons might possibly go evil.

Ultimately, what we get in Thor is a supremely entertaining film that is far better than many people thought it would be. It isn't perfect, suffering a little from sluggishness in the middle act and including a rather pointless cameo for Hawkeye which felt crowbarred in for the Avengers film. Still, the film is fun, and the acting excellent for a superhero film. Chris Hemsworth carries the role of Thor impressively, projecting raw physicality and sensitivity as the fallen prince. The film really belongs to Tom Hiddlestone as Loki however, conveying a deep rooted sense of betrayal and resentment without letting it slip outside of the facade he has created for himself. So yes, it was definitely a very good start to the summer.

FILM SPOT - The Tree of Life (2011)

It is impossible to overstate the gift that is life. For as insignificant or alone as we may feel on this planet, knowing our own humanity provides us with a fresh perspective on our existence. You feel the wind on your face. That is a miraculous thing. You smell the air and feel the sunlight. These too are minor miracles. This may sound an odd way to begin a review, but Terrence Malick's metaphysical masterpiece does stop you in your tracks and make you try to sense every molecule around you, to feel life and your place in it. Alternatively, it will make you want to punch a wall, or possibly demand your money back. Truth be told, this is not an easy film to like. It is virtually dialogue free, very little actually happens and its subject material swings wildly between the surreal, extraordinary and mundane. Many people did not like it when I went to see it. At least ten people walked out during the course of the film, making snarky comments as they left. Not all of you will like it, and the reasons for liking and disliking this film are pretty much the same thing. The truth is that giving up on Tree of Life part way through just ruins the experience. You have to see all of it to get perspective.

The curious thing is that I HATE art films. I hate their self-importance, their bleakness and determination to make you suffer their bullshit because 'hey, that's life, deal with it', as if somehow it's your fault you chose to watch the film and your non-plussed reaction is simply because 'you're just, like, too obtuse man'. Quirky is a further thing I do not suffer, particularly those cute-li'l American indie films that are just so gosh-darn quirky, and feature stupid characters who do not exist in real life anywhere and are yet supported by legions of people who claim that IS actually what life is like. Yes, I AM talking about 500 Days of Summer, every turgid, stupid and quirky moment of it. While I will profess to generally preferring intelligent films, at least dumb films sometimes know what they are and revel in creating something richly textured instead of cack-handedly striving to drive a message into your brain like a nail in your skull (Did you know Crash was about racism by the way?). There is no reason whatsoever I should like Tree of Life. Nearly every audible line is done in a whisper for crying out loud, and even then some of the lines are whispered with such ethereal intent you honestly cannot understand what is being said. Despite all this and despite my reservations, I came away stupefied, amazed, infuriated and perplexed and only realized after a beer and a good night's sleep that the film I had watched was something extraordinary. At times yes, it drags and I was desperate sometimes for it to 'get on with it', as the cast of Monty Python and the Holy Grail would have it but the film is relaxed in its pace and its choice to do so.

What Tree of Life managed to do was produce a strange, non-linear narrative of a childhood, as remembered by Sean Penn. The story is that Sean Penn's character is an architect, and on the anniversary of his brother's death contemplates the life he had with his brother, the love they shared and how he was torn between his mother and his father and their very different approaches to life. His father, played with surprising dexterity by a very toned down Brad Pitt, was a disciplinarian who had specific rules and insisted the children call him 'father' as opposed to 'dad'. His mother was a free spirit, a woman who embraced nature and freedom, and yet was irresponsible in this approach to looking after her children, leading the father to overcompensating heavily in the discipline of their daily lives. This is all framed in a cosmic backdrop, the perspective sometimes coming off of this family and their lives to the universe itself. At one point, the film goes away from the memories of Jack (Sean Penn) and decides to recap the creation of planet earth for us, taking us from the tempestuous birth of our planet and through the creation of life itself, even showing us a few rather perplexed looking dinosaurs en route. Now I admit that the idea of switching from 1950s small-town America to the creation of the universe is a little jarring, but once the film is over, you realize what you were being shown. Young Jack (the insanely named Hunter McCracken) sees that the innocence of life he experienced as a very young child is a fragile thing, and starts to realize how life isn't all dancing and giggles. Yet as his father points out, the will to survive and persist in life is essential, or you will fall by the wayside. This is why we see so much of life on a grand scale, reminding us that though life can be hard, grace exists in many forms and if we persist, we can ultimately find solace in this. That although people can die, others are born and the world, though sometimes cruel, is a mind-boggling system of miracles, determination and unbelievably fortuitous chance.

                               

It also shows a very balanced view of family life. Traditionally, the mothers are all wonderfully tenderhearted people and the fathers are borderline psychotic automatons of rage and discipline. While these facets do exist, we see their downsides; Brad Pitt is never portrayed with any sympathy, for example. He goes too far, and disciplines the children too much and too often, and yet the mother for all her love, does not discipline them enough. Young Jack is disappointed by their weaknesses, realizing that life is not perfect and we are forced to embrace what we have so that we can achieve greater things. He learns his greatest life lessons from both his mother and father, coming to realize as an adult that he learned will from his father, and love from his mother. Jack also learns to bury the past and embrace what you were, what you are and what you can still become. In the beauty of the film we start seeing meaning in every gesture, every act and every natural wonder we see, and start relating it to the film as a whole. It collages together like a painting, and yet is more than merely the sum of its parts. While I have analyzed it pretty in depth, you have to realize just how damned difficult it is to sum up Tree of Life. High concept this film is not. It is a film of staggering ambition with some tear-inducingly beautiful music chosen to accompany this strange and yet beguiling symphony to life. Is there a God? What is Life all about? We create our own destiny. That is ultimately what makes this film soar; that there is no specific message, but it does enhance your own appreciation of what you are and what is around you, and the delicacy of what you carry in your soul. That has to mean something at least.

DVD SPOT - The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009)

In the wake of the controversy regarding the BBFC refusing the sequel to the Human Centipede a certificate, I felt it was perhaps time to discuss the first film once more and for people to realise why it is probably for the best that they will not be seeing Human Centipede 2 – and it is not because of the offensive content. You see, the second film's ban has suddenly gifted it with a number of well-meaning but frankly deluded fans who think that said ban means the film actually had something to say. You see, despite its reported misogynistic and sadistic sexual content that borders on snuff pornography, it is not the actual film itself that bothers me. It is the ridiculous media free-for-all that has its usual deriders slamming the 'sick filth' being put on screens these days, which creates a knee-jerk response of people who will flock to the support of this film. Ignore it. Honestly. We only have ourselves to blame for this sequel. It would not exist if people had not invested money in buying or renting the first film, and I have to admit I was one of those people, albeit reluctantly and at the behest of my girlfriend whose taste in horror does occasionally frighten and confuse me. The positive things said about The Human Centipede are largely said by people who have never seen it. A number of conversations in which I argued at length about this bloody awful film only to find the person I was discussing it with had not actually seen the film in question, was quite worrying. Most comments about this film go like this:

Person 1: That's the one where they get sown together, and this guy craps in this girl's mouth, oh my god, its disgusting!

Its purpose, I was told, was to shock and in that, it succeeded. It certainly did shock me, and for a number of reasons. Firstly, I was shocked that I had wasted 90 minutes of my life watching this drivel, I was shocked that it was more dull than a chess game in slow motion and I was shocked that Tom Six, the director, was even still working. Here is the problem with the Human Centipede: It is not a good film. It is a very, very bad film that deserved none of the attention given it. The reason I have chosen to discuss it now is because I felt it was important people realize just how bad Human Centipede actually is. 

Ja Wohl Mein herr! Du bist ein bloody weirdo.

                                

 The film can be summed up in one sentence: Two American girls break down next to a German scientist's house, and he sews them up to a Japanese guy. This is pretty much the film. Expand that sentence to 90 minutes, and you have a serious problem. The fact is, that one sentence worth of plot is not enough to carry a feature length film. It suffers from some serious padding issues. So excited is Tom Six with showing us the female leads becoming part of the 'human centipede' that he gets pretty much all of it sorted within the first half an hour leaving only a deeply tedious police thriller in which investigating detectives fail to notice a gigantic twelve-legged pantomime horse that groans, cries and shits a lot. Our female leads stop next to this guy's house, accepting drinks from him that they do not see him prepare (always a good sign) and he of course drugs them and then puts them into his experiment with a Japanese guy who just sort of turns up out of nowhere. He sews them together, gets very excited and then makes them do dog tricks. Yes, I am quite serious, we watch three sewn together people who never shut the fuck up fetching newspapers and eating dogfood. Oh, and shitting, don't forget the shitting.

You and me both, dude.

This part of HC just goes on and on, and resembles a really boring fetish video. When the film finally chooses to resolve itself, with a series of highly improbable twists that result in everyone being dead except for one person, it comes as a blessed relief. Despite the reputation of this film, you would be amazed how little actually happens in this film. It was like Tom Six had a 'really sick' idea and then turned it into into the most mediocre film he could possibly make. You might have noticed I have not discussed the events of HC in the form of a narrative, but honestly, this is all that really happens in the film. There is an escape attempt that lasts all of two minutes, which probably makes for the most exciting sequence in the entirety of the running length. The rest of it is the German doctor snarling while the 'centipede' makes funny noises. 

A minute's silence for this actress, I think.

The runaround with the detectives is frankly ridiculous, splitting its attention between the doctor, the police and the human centipede itself. Commenting on performances in this film is pointless, given that nobody really acts in this. The leading girls, as mentioned, spend most of their time with their mouths sewn onto buttocks, consequently their dialogue largely consists of 'Mmmph!!! MMPH!!'. The Japanese guy screams in anger, and the German scientist doesn't so much act as he does gurn and stomp around in pseudo-fetishistic science gear. It's a repetitive and nonsensical mess that really doesn't deserve a sequel. I repeat: its main defenders are people who have never seen it. If you have, you realise it is a pointless and excruciating exercise in filmmaking and is an experience I would liken to getting food poisoning, the upshot of food poisoning being that it goes away and you are unlikely to encounter it again for a very long time.

TOON SPOT - Fantastic Four 1978 - Ep.2 - The Menace of Magneto

This series is, as has been stated by myself several times, absolutely barking mad. I'm not sure this manifests itself any better than in this episode, 'The Menace of Magneto'. In this episode, our mentally backward heroes encounter the equally mentally backward Magneto, and hilarity ensues. Believe me, while Magneto's plan isn't as outright bonkers as Doctor Doom's plan from the previous episode encountered, it is pretty bloody inane. Magneto is also less a criminal mastermind in this than he is a socially inept street entertainer with an ASBO. 

Magneto: The only supervillain with a public restraining order.

The guy just comes off as a massive dickhead for the majority of the cartoon rather than an actual villain, and it says something about this incarnation of the Fantastic Four that they almost let him get away with it. He is also voiced by the same guy who voiced Doctor Doom in Episode 8, only this time around he appears to be stoned as opposed to drunk. Now, since I have already introduced the cartoon, I think I will just clarify a few things. Apparently the rumour about the whole Human Torch debacle and its effect on kids is untrue; the character was going to be used in a television project that never took off, so they couldn't use the human torch. Not that that makes the cartoon any less palletable, it is still unutterable garbage that apparently not only Stan Lee worked on, but so did the legendary and sadly late comic artist Jack Kirby! I mean, I can imagine everyone's favourite comics godfather/druglord working on this in some capacity, but Jack-frigging-Kirby? Did everybody in the 70s lose their standards? Never mind, let's watch a crappy cartoon.

The Menace of Magneto, Episode 2 – Story by Stan Lee, Teleplay by Stan Lee

The opening of this episode has some notoriety on youtube thanks to Magneto's fantastically unbalanced antics that set the tone for the whole episode. Magneto turns up in the 'outskirts of New York city' in his supervillain vehicle, and my god, it is stupid. This vehicle manages to make the Fantastic Four's bathtub look positively chic. It's a bizarre floating purple thing with landing skids instead of wheels, and has a helpful red 'M' emblazoned on the bonnet so that Magneto can make it absolutely clear that everybody knows this car belongs to Magnetooooo (how I want to refer to him as of now owing to the stonkingly hammy voice acting).

Just...look at it.

Anyway, the car arrives at a gas station while the gas station attendant does that now familiar Fantastic Four thing of describing exactly what he is seeing in front of him to nobody in particular. Magnetoooo asks for directions to the Baxter building, although the closest the attendant gets to giving directions is that the Baxter building is a 'long way from here', which apparently is enough for Magnetoooo or indeed any man who drives a car who has been pushed to ask for directions by a female companion. At which point, the attendant dares to tell Magnetoooo that his car might need some fuel, and this sends Magnetoooo into a violent rage which also results in him monologuing extensively about how bad-ass he is. He starts damaging property, such as bending a sign and flipping a truck in a highly unconvincing manner, because when someone contradicts Magneto then, in his own words, 'things begin to happen!'. As the attendant begs for his life, we then encounter one of the most bizarre animation flubs I think I have ever come across. One moment Magnetoooo is sitting in his car, with his uniform slightly overlapping the dashboard, when suddenly within a split second and in the same shot, his face completely changes as does his posture and positioning. It is as if he has been sodomised suddenly and painfully in the backside, resulting in the weird contorted lockjaw expression he has at the end of the animation cycle. 

  BEFORE

AFTER

 Naturally, Magnetoooo sends the attendant fleeing for his life, although he can't have done much running since he runs away in one shot and then is seen standing right next to Magneto's car in the next shot. The animation and art is just terrible in this episode, even worse than the episode I reviewed previously. Other than the usual sloppy design and animation so choppy it looks like it was edited by a monkey with attention deficit disorder, its design is just nasty as hell. Look at Magneto's costume, for example. Say what you like about Dr. Doom's stupid plan, at least he looked like goddamned Doctor Doom. Magnetoooo here seems to be modelling some weird 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert' variant on his usual costume that makes him look so camp that even Herbie better watch out. Seriously, he has gold trimming all over his costume. All he needs is glitter sprinkled liberally all over his costume and you've got the world's first superhero drag act. We then see Magnetoooo talking at great length to himself about himself as he flies off in the direction of the Baxter building while declaring that the Fantastic Four are about to 'tremble before the menace of Magnetoooo!' Okay, I'm killing the Magnetoooo joke now, I really can't be joshed with it anymore. Magneto gets stuck in traffic (oh my god, the excitement is killing me) and a couple nearby remark on the floating car in a manner so blasé it is as if they are referring to an old tramp in the park kicking pigeons.

More thrills next week, when Magneto has to pay a speeding ticket.

Magneto then reminds us for the third time that he is on his way to the Baxter building to take on the Fantastic Four. Magneto does spend a rather frightening quantity of time in this episode doing a heck of a lot of monologuing in the third person, and most of the time doesn't appear to be actually doing it to anyone either, making him just look crazy in the medical sense of the word as opposed to the supervillain definition. Again we see some terrifically slipshod animation as he decides the streets are too crowded, floats his car higher into the air, proceeds along at just above head height, is suddenly seven storeys up, and is then forty storeys in the air without having broken his monologue. 'What Magneto wills, Magneto does!' Magneto storms, as he parks his car. Roll opening title card. Wow, what a pre-credits sequence that was, thrilling stuff guys, really. I suppose next will come the saga of where Magneto parks his car? And what follows is....Magneto parking his car. If I had a tumbleweed, I'd smack Stan Lee with it right now, seriously. A passer-by remarks that Magneto cannot park in front of the Baxter Building because it's a no parking zone, at which point Magneto destroys the sign for this reason:

Magneto: The very sight of that sign offends me! And whatever Magneto finds offensive, must be destroyed!

So basically Magneto just needs an ASBO. Seriously, the guy is just a petty minded lunatic who goes around destroying property for no very good reason and is more of a mild public annoyance than a supervillain. We finally meet the Fantastic Three (I'll be damned if I ever describe Herbie as 'fantastic') in their penthouse on top of the Baxter Building, where Reed is playing chess with the aforementioned robot. Ben remarks that Reed is out of his mind playing chess with Herbie, and Sue tells him to be quiet because 'she's concentrating on her invisibility exercises'. Her excuse for this ludicrous activity is that if she does not practice every day, her power may grow stale. So on that basis, if Reed doesn't stretch absurdly all the time, his body will just seize up? If Superman doesn't fly for a while he forgets how to do it? Oh, yes. Naturally this is only mentioned so Sue can demonstrate something she does at least eight times in the course of this episode. At this point, a loud obnoxious alarm sounds, which according to read is a 'buzzer signal.' It turns out that this ridiculously loud emergency alarm is actually just their doorman in the lobby. My god, whenever a pizza arrives it must send their stress levels through the roof. Anyway, the doorman tells them that a gentleman named Magneto is down in the 

lobby waiting to speak to them.

'What? I've been bumped to 12? Nobody alters Magneto's reservations!'

Yes, Magneto went into the lobby and demanded an appointment. You badass, what next? Going over red lights? Reed can't be fucked with the guy, and conveys this message via the doorman to an unhappy Magneto. For the third time in five minutes, Magneto irrationally loses his shit, and uses his powers to bring the penthouse lift down. He then says these two lines pretty much concurrently:

Magneto: Nobody is too busy to see Magneto!

And

Magneto: I am proving that nobody can deny Magneto!

Then, the disbelieving doorman asks who he is. He just told you twice, you moron! Nobody says Magneto's name as much as Magneto does in the third person, how on earth can you have missed it? The intruder alarm, considerably less aggressive than the communicator signal, indicates to Reed that Magneto is on his way up. Reed rationalises to Sue that because he is unarmed, he will admit him and see what he wants. For the fourth time we hear Magneto introduce himself, and now we get the reason as to why he is there: he wants to become the new leader of the Fantastic Four. Their response is, as you would imagine, polite amusement. Magneto insists he is more powerful than Reed, beginning what is essentially a deeply funny pissing contest where Magneto swings his dick around and hopes somebody notices. In a desperate need to prove how awesome his penis is, he destroys public property for no readily discernible reason. 

Pictured: Magneto fucking up your lamppost.

Don't get me wrong, I know Magneto did this a lot, but at least he did it with style and purpose. This incarnation is just being a massive knobhead. Amusingly, once they agree to listen to him, he returns everything to normal, making this section vaguely reminiscent of Tommy Wiseau's hilariously underpowered breakdown in 'The Room'. He also insists there are 'no limits to what he can do', which there are, given he has power over metal and nothing else. Magneto insists he is awesome, and on this basis he appoints himself the new leader of the Fantastic Four, and their response is to be non-plussed to say the least. Magneto challenges Reed for leadership of the FF, and Sue screams and moans and bitches as usual in this series. Yet again, Reed's big plan is to 'see what he wants'. So, the two go off to the workout room to fight, and Ben makes an off the cuff comment about them not fighting in the sitting room because 'Herbie just vacuumed'. Apart from a clearly twisted set of priorities, Ben has revealed that Herbie does the housework too? Oh my god, a camp as Christmas robot that minces around doing the housework too. So, to the fight. Magneto once again points out for the eighteen millionth time that he has control over metal, as if somehow Reed hadn't worked it out by now. Dude, you called yourself MAGNETO. The clue is the six letter word in your name just before the letter 'O'! I'm starting to think Magneto has short term memory loss and has to keep reminding himself of his name AND his powers. 

An exciting visual highlight of the mighty battle between Magneto and Mr. Fantastic.

 Magneto's first attack is throwing shitloads of weights at Reed, who just throws them back. Reed's counterattack is about as effective as western foreign policy, in that it collapses hilariously. The fight ends with Reed wrapped up in metal cables by Magneto insisting that he...can't...move! So once again, Commander Monologue revels in his triumph. The Fantastic Four glumly sit and wonder why Reed was so utterly lame, and Ben gets into an argument with Herbie. Unfortunately, before Ben can turn Herbie into a numberplate, Magneto once again swans in and announces 'their first mission'. He has heard that a bank is going to be robbed, and it is the Fantastic Four's job to stop it happening. If you can't see where this one is going, then seriously, stop reading this now. Everyone in the FF points out the huge great elephant in the room, specifically that robbers tend not to advertise their intentions to perform thefts, but no, Reed says to give Magneto a chance. What is it with Reed and giving evil overlords 'a chance'? Even Herbie, the annoying little prick that he is, says that Reed is behaving strangely. This of course depends on what you count as normal behaviour for the sociopathic and quite possibly insane Reed Richards. But no, obviously Reed's slightly OTT ass-kissing of Magneto is one of those big red plot flags they just love to wave in our faces. Magneto outlines his plan as follows:

1. They will proceed in two cars to the bank. Magneto in his own, the FF in their Fantasticar.
2. This they must do in 5 minutes.
3. They will then break into the bank and take the money themselves, in order to protect the money from the bank robbers.

Re-read step three. Now, on a notepad, write down what you perceive to be the possible flaw in this plan, and what could possibly happen. You done? Good, I assume we all have the same answers. He then says this:

Magneto: Only Magneto could have thought of such a plan! Criminals won't have a chance against us.

Um...feel the menace of Magneto....?

Yeah...I'm sure the criminal underworld will crumble before you with dynamite plans like that one. Magneto announces his intention to leave, and continues to monologue even as he leaves. He declares that 'Magneto does not wait for an elevator!' and summons the elevator. Magneto gets into the elevator with a rather stunned businessman, who asks why he is dressed so funny. In response, Magneto bends his Umbrella around his wrist. Yes, the same villain who almost caused several apocalypses in the X-Men is in this cartoon being a petty dickwad. Cut to later on, and the Fantastic Four are flying around in their bathtub, while everyone still demands to know why Reed is doing exactly as Magneto says – he tells them to trust him. Trust him? The same guy who leads them on idiotic journeys through time and space and doesn't even bother to tell them why? Never mind, because it's time for the bank heist-I mean, bank protection plan. Magneto tells Sue to use her invisibility to get past the guard, which she translates as turning the guard's hat invisible.

Words fail me.

 She does follow with the rest of him, but which part of Magneto's instruction of 'use your invisibility' did Sue assume meant 'make his hat disappear'?. Combining their powers, the FF and Magneto break into the bank. Magneto then uses his own power to open the vault, which apparently meant turning one handle very quickly with his Magnetic powers. A handle? That's how you open a vault in this world? No wonder Doctor Doom decided to go through time, he probably just wanted a challenge. Magneto then demands they take the money to his car...yes, yes, I know, just bear with me. Magneto tells them to return to their headquarters, wait there, and he will 'put the money somewhere safe'. Okay, let's all stop pretending; yes, Magneto is basically just robbing the bank while leaving the FF to take the blame. Something which apparently the knew all along as Ben says this, just as Magneto is driving away:

Ben: He must think we're idiots!

You don't fucking say. I mean, you only helped a notorious villain who monologues extensively to himself commit a bank robbery with no questions asked.

'We're putting this money where? A Swiss bank account? Under your name?'

 He can't have a single reason to think that you're idiots! One other thing to mention is that this whole section takes place at night, so we can barely see anything that is going on. Upon their return to the base, Reed tells them he had Herbie put Magneto under observation with his proboscope. Ooh err matron! It is a viewing lens that lets them see no matter how dark it is, and apparently can also record people's voices from several miles away too as we hear Magneto cackle to himself about taking the money and being rich beyond his wildest dreams! This is a sad time for anyone who has ever enjoyed the X-Men and the amazing villain that Magneto used to be, because watching this short section is like watching somebody deliver their own funeral eulogy as they're being lowered into the ground. Aside from this, Reed reveals that his brown-nosing of Magneto was all part of his master plan! The others seem surprised, despite the fact he does this pretty much every episode. This is all insufferably boring stuff, and finally picks up again once we return to Magneto talking to himself. Not that this is exactly an improvement, given what he says is this:

Magneto: The money is paper, so I can't lift it with my magnetic power!

The moment a thousand comic fans hearts were broken.

Tune in next week for Open University with Professor Magneto, who will then tell you the most efficient way to asphyxiate yourself with a plastic bag. The FF turn up out of nowhere, much to the astonishment of Magneto, and given how they've behaved thus far, I don't blame him. We then have a hilarious fight in which Magneto tries to pull them out of the sky with his powers, Reed tells Ben to hang onto the sides to keep the fantasticar stable, resulting in a lot of shaking and bad animation. 

You have no idea how long it took to get this screenshot.

 Magneto brings the car down, during which sequence we can clearly see Ben hanging off the side of the car, showing he obviously gave up on Reed's master plan moments after doing what he said. Upon crashing, they are seen to be totally fine and with no problems whatsoever. Reed tells Sue to make Magneto's car and money invisible, so he can't find them. Despite the fact he was standing next to them, Magneto is befuddled as to where they have gone. He then gets all defensive again, and Reed and Magneto end up in yet another pissing contest. It is almost exactly the same as last time. Magneto says 'I have the mightiest power, nothing can defeat me, watch this, I can bend shit' and Reed makes a smug reply. This time however, after failing to ensnare Reed with some bent steel rails, he fires some screws at him from the side of a train, which Reed bounces back straight into their sockets. Fantastic Four just broke the laws of physics, by the way. Also, Magneto, you've tried this trick on Reed at least twice in this episode, haven't you worked out by now that firing small metal projectiles at him DOES NOT WORK? One way or the other, Magneto says his patience is at an end! Holy crap, now he's pissed! Look out! He's going to return Reed's library books late! Reed once again points out he let a villain win so he could learn their plan, showing once again he is insane, puts anyone in harm's way to see if a plan with only the vaguest of structures might possibly work and to hell with the body count. Reed whips out a weapon, which Magneto immediately laughs at, as do we. 

I'm still trying to work out what the hell that thing on the end of the gun is.

 Magneto then describes exactly what he is about to do to said gun, and tries to kick Reed's arse with it, only to find the gun does not respond to his powers. Suddenly, Magneto totally loses it. Within twenty seconds, he turns from a pompous posturing gasbag into a whingeing cowardly gasbag. He rationalises that as the gun does not respond, he has lost his powers, and therefore surrenders. The alternative is so obvious it is practically lit up with a neon sign saying 'DEUS EX MACHINA ALERT!' all over it. Naturally the police arrive, and Reed is made to explain to Magneto how he was able to defeat him; why, with a wooden gun! And magnets don't work on objects not made of metal, and this episode is almost over so I no longer have the urge to put my fist through a wall. Magneto is led away with this knowledge, and yet does nothing about it. Dude, you still have your powers! You can escape! Seriously, you're just going to let them drive you away saying 'It's a fair cop'?

'My god, I am such a dick'

 Guess what. This is his only appearance in the FF 1978 series, so according to the continuity of this series, this is a decisive victory over Magneto who is never heard of again. Back at HQ, Sue congratulates a very smug Reed, who is then described by Herbie as having not only the quality of strength to be a leader but also 'the quality of wisdom'. He must also have the quality of sanity and not of sociopathy Herb, but never mind, we're close to the end so I'm feeling charitable. During this scene Reed strikes an odd pose which looks suspiciously as if he's done a fart in the room and is immensely pleased that nobody knows it was him.

We know you did it, Reed.

 The conclusion to the episode is that Sue and Reed want to go to a disco, and Ben and Herbie have a gay lover's spat. As every story should end.

Verdict:

The funniest thing about this episode is Magneto. The others play second fiddle in the hilarity stakes, although Reed does make an attempt to prove he is the biggest of idiots several times. Other than this, the episode is deeply boring and tedious. Very little actually happens, and Magneto's big plan is utterly inane, relying on the FF being massively stupid and braindead just so he can get away with it. If the FF had half a brain between them, the episode would be over after a minute:

Magneto walks in.

Magneto: I am Magneto!

Fantastic Four: Go away.

Magneto: No-one tells me what to do.

Fantastic Four: Seriously, piss off.

Magneto: Magneto will now leave!

Magneto leaves.

Seriously, Magneto's plan is so utterly stupid they have to make the heroes more stupid just so they can stretch a plot that would resolve itself in two minutes to 20 minutes in length. All in all, this isn't as jaw dropping as the previous episode reviewed story-wise, although most of Magneto's early stuff is pretty special. Mostly, despite the mutilated character of Magneto, it's just plain boring. It is my continuing mission to watch other episodes of this dreck and report back, so tune in for more soon. In the meantime, nobody tells Mark Odell what to do! And when Mark Odell is angry, things begin to happen!