TRAILER SPOT - Trailer Trash: Cats & Dogs 2 and Vampires Suck

I don't usually review trailers. Trailers you see, are little bastard things that lie to you (see The Last Airbender, judging by the fury of the reviews) and so often it's unfair to judge a film on the virtue of its trailer. Sometimes however, I throw this principle out of the window because on occasion trailers display exactly what you're going to see. Whether it be terrible jokes or just a singular and depressing lack of imagination, some trailers just glaringly and painfully show their features as the cancerous evil little motion pictures that they are. The idea of this is that you will watch the trailers, via the links I give you, and note on my comments at the time signatures provided. Use two browser windows, boys and girls. Also, here's a little thing for you to understand: I chose these trailers because I think they perfectly allow you to judge the entire film based on the trailers. You can disagree if you like. If I'm wrong about these films, you can talk my ears off about how I'm brimming over with wrongness. So, how to begin? Well, let's start with the most recent trailers of these abominations:


CATS & DOGS: THE REVENGE OF KITTY GALORE


The film: I actually enjoyed the first one. It's hard not to. It was quite a lot of fun, really. So what prompted them to do a sequel nine years after the last one does rather boggle the mind. Sadly, the whole thing just smacks of cash cow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uh5k0zL6ps0&feature=fvw

00:16 - A hamster dance joke. Oh joy, as if the phenomenon wasn't stupid enough twelve years ago. It was barely even funny back then! What child will remember that as a pop culture joke? Talk about obscure.
00:23-4 - Push the gear up to K9. I think these sorts of 'dog and cat' jokes will probably consist of at least 98% of its joke repertoire.
00:32-34 - Okay, this animation is just plain fucking weird. Is it a dog or a human?
00:38 - Another laboured dog joke. Did you know dogs urinate on things? I didn't know that!
00:56-59 - 'Cats and Dogs will have to work together!' - And so the plot explains itself. Also, holy crap, look at the cat's expression! He looks constipated!
01:02-08 - If you couldn't see the punchline to this insipid James Bond pastiche, then you probably deserve this film.
01:13-20 - Everything is better with jet packs, but there's just something a bit tired about all this.
01:23 - Okay, I did like the animal cruelty joke. Not subtle, but funny-ish.
01:28-9 - The pigeon was annoying enough. The 'flying into a signpost' joke was...well, the dog's expression in the next part was pretty much my reaction.
01:43 - Yay! In 3D! I'm sure this film was not only designed for this, but will be hugely improved by such a visual effect! Woo!
01:47 - This has to be about the dullest dialogue I think I've ever heard in a trailer. Is this supposed to entertain kids?
01:51 - I'm...stunned. A Hannibal Lecter joke. Sure, they can say this is for the grown ups, but are they seriously suggesting any child will enjoy a pop-culture reference to a cannibalistic murderer from a serial-killer franchise?
01:55 - 02:05 - Montage city. Again, the biggest action sequences appear to involve things being catapulted into the air. Yawn.
02:09 - Hey, dogs are bigger than cats. Nobody knew that. Does this trailer have anymore painful jokes to give us?
02:16-19 - Yes, it does.

END.

To summarize: This film was awesomely unnecessary, and the trailer just seems to show this writ large. Maybe the cat-n-doggie jokes will make the kids giggle a bit, but the pop culture references are off-the-chart pointless. It looks like somebody definitely threw money at it, and it'll probably be passable, but this trailer just made me feel depressed. Although, nowhere near as much as...

VAMPIRES SUCK



The film: The unfunniest men in history behind Epic Movie, Date Movie and Disaster Movie bring us their take on the Twilight Saga. Look, I can see why somebody might want to spoof Twilight...but really...nobody deserves this. Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, who probably suffered severe brain trauma before embarking on their film careers together, somehow keep being given money to make films. At least Uwe Boll films have their own entertainment value.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHkPJ1ACLrg

00:05-13 - You know, copying something shot for shot does not actually count as spoof.
00:20 - I have no words to describe this man. Being cast because you vaguely resemble Robert Pattinson is never a good sign. At least Charlie Sheen was funny in Hot Shots.
00:23-27 - I...just....I...I have nothing to say. Really. This vampire guy is just...seeing her as a burger. How funny.
00:30-35 - Again, where exactly is there comedy inherent in this scene? Where? He runs in slow motion? Is that FUNNY? He lands in a piano? IS THAT F**KING FUNNY?!!
00:41-2 - I'm having trouble working out what just happened here.
00:45 - They just love milking that joke, don't they?
00:49-53 - What the f...? An Alice in Wonderland spoof? What's the spoof? The fact that their approach to humour in this movie seems to be 'hey, Alice in Wonderland! You remember that film, right? Let's make a funny face at it!'
00:57 - This is one of those jokes that isn't funny if you even get the pop culture reference. Which you won't.
01:03-06 - Oh, the prerequisite Lady Gaga joke in which one of the characters will presumably find her gender confusing. How original.
01:11 - Apparently strange noises are really funny.
01:16-18 - Seriously, do Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have some real problems with their sexuality? Do they need to come out? Or are they just rabidly, almost hilariously, homophobic?
01:25-30 - This joke had potential. It's not like other people haven't joked about this, but our beloved filmmakers appear to be thinking, again, that making faces at a subject from pop culture is funny.
01:39 - You know jokes that manage to embarrassingly date films? You know, the sorts of jokes not found in Airplane! or The Naked Gun? Well, this is one of them. The Black Eyed Peas. Ha.
01:43 - Pricelessly stupid. 'A Chihuahua?'
01:49-52 - And at last, at the end of the trailer, the reason this film was made, so they could crowbar in this unbelievably brain-dead joke about Team Edward vs. Team Jacob. Disturbingly, the posters on youtube seem to LOOOOOVE this gag.

To summarize: Sigh. What do you want me to say? It's a horrible trailer, and if this is the best of the film condensed into a two minute, then hold on for what could easily be the worst film of the entire year.