EPIC DVD REVIEW - Hercules in New York (1969)

Who doesn't miss the days of vintage Schwarzenegger? It has become a depressing fact of life that he won't be acting again, unless you count slightly silly cameos in slightly silly films, and while what he did could never be described as 'acting' per se, he was a presence that we all enjoyed for one reason or another. All hail the Austrian Oak. It comes as a surprise that, in a career that includes Junior and Jingle All the Way, the film he chooses most to forget is a little known piece of unintentional hilarity from 1969 called 'Hercules in New York.'

Most people saw him in 'Pumping Iron', a rather good documentary about body-building that on sheer charisma alone managed to launch him to stardom. It probably comes as no surprise to anybody that Arnold never did another film like this one, probably because he realized that, if he was going to be a star, he shouldn't choose sub-Disney flights of lunatic fancy like this one. The only (and I emphasize ONLY) reason this film has even surfaced is because they released it on DVD without its original dub that replaced all of Arnold's dialogue. This probably makes it the only time in history dialogue has been deliberately made less comprehensible to make a DVD sell better. The film itself is gargantuanly stupid. I sort of mean this in a complimentary way, but it is phenomenally and outrageously dumb. It tries, I think, to be a Disney-esque flight of fancy in which Hercules (Arnie - well who the hell else?) gets bored, goes to earth, faffs around for a bit with a 'hilarious' sidekick while a man in a bowler hat and red ascot camps it up and acts in a fairly fruity manner, has a few hi-jinks and finally goes back to Olympus. Sounds awesome? It really isn't, but hey, it's worth seeing. 'So, what does it do wrong?' I hear you cry 'Surely a whimsical Arnold Schwarzenegger fish-out-of-water film in which Arnie pratfalls around and embarasses himself would at least be passingly funny?'

In theory. Only in theory.

I will basically bring up the various problems the film has as I go through the film's events, and why it does not sail through on Arnold-charm alone. It starts at Olympus, and Hercules tells his father, Zeus, that he is bored and wants to take a look around ('I am taaahrd of ze same old faces...ze same old sings!'). The first thing that must be noted is that the film is phenomenally cheap, and this really makes it suffer. Shoestring budgets aren't usually a problem if you manage to hide your budgetary shortcomings with a bit of style, but HINY really suffers. 'Mount Olympus' looks exactly like central park; in fact it probably is, given that the sounds of traffic sound so close that you'd think there was a dual-carriageway running through Olympus. Everyone is togate and just sort of potter around with lyres and dancing around on zigzag paving that apparently Zeus had done when some cowboy builders turned up on Mount Olympus one day. When they aren't doing this, they're lying around on the lawns and fawning around. Naturally, when Hercules continues to anger his father, he gets cast down to earth with the help of the cheapest special effects in the history of the universe. This does include a particularly memorable scene in which Hercules drifts down past a plane as an old lady makes hysterical honking noises, while Arnie for all the world looks like an airborne sex offender. Seriously, look at his face on the way down and tell me you're not thinking that. Of course this is also where the old lady gets gassed unconscious by the air attendants after she gets a little excited, it being procedure that anyone who gets slightly excitable during a flight is immediately knocked out by the forced inhalation of pure oxygen until they shut up.

Lookin' right at home in Central P-sorry, sorry. OLYMPUS.

He then falls into the sea and gets rescued by seamen (don't read anything into that, please). He then seems to have been forced to join the crew, because after this all we do is see him fight the other crewmembers and then he literally walks off the boat when he gets to land, causing a load of sailors to come after him for going AWOL, I guess. Firstly, I didn't realize that the price of being rescued meant you were basically being press-ganged into joining a merchant crew and therefore unable to go on dry land without the captain's permission, and secondly, John Candy seems to make one very brief and very bizarre cameo as a crewmember being threatened by Hercules. The two points are unrelated, I admit, but both befuddle me and thus were mentioned. These are two very minor points however because we then come to a fight with Hercules and some dockworkers, whose arses he proceeds to kick around the world with the use of a rubber plank. Yes, it is the most unconvincing fight of Arnold's career, especially since he seems to be doing little but slam the plank against the camera and at one point throws the same stuntman into the sea twice.

This and every other scene in the film is scored to the most demented zither score any one of you have ever heard in your life. It's basically a 70 minute long version of Zorba the Greek, if your mind can conceive of such a torturous idea. It could be an intimate scene hinting at forbidden romance, and you'd still get the DOINGY-DOING-DOOOOIIIINGGGG of this film's soundtrack cheerfully screeching in the background like a CD of Greek Folk music looping forever in hell. So yeah, it annoys me a little.

Pretzy with pretzels in hand.

It is on the docks he meets the first of our supporting characters, specifically his comedy sidekick Pretzy, played by Arnold Stang. Now, I have not seen any of Arnold Stang's work, I doubt many British people have. I am sure he had a long and very successful career and he was a very funny man. I say all this because, well, he's just embarassing in this. To be fair, the shitty script didn't help, but he's more irritating than a skin infection in this film. He's just...there. I can't really explain it. Let's start with his name - Pretzy. Why do you think that is? because he sells pretzels! Ahahaha. Snare drum and cymbals. He spends the film in this weird heightened emotional state that basically exaggerates his already slightly cartoonish voice to new heights of nasal annoyance. Oh, you know when I said cartoonish? It would be, given this guy was the voice of bloody Top Cat. Add to that his open mouth acting, where in spending so much time looking amazed at Hercules' feats of strength he looks like he's trying to capture flies.

So yeah, Pretzy somehow bails him out by bundling him into a cab and dragging him off, but not before Hercules accosts a forklift truck declaring 'Nice chariot...but where are ze horses?!'. Quite why he does this is beyond me, probably just to show how manly Herc is I guess, but after this they end up safely in a cab driving away to Olymp-sorry, I mean Central Park. It's so easy to confuse the two...

Get used to this expression, he has it for the whole film.

It turns out of course that neither of them have any money, which of course doesn't go down well with the cab driver, who then decides to beat the money out of them instead of, say, insisting on driving them to wherever the hell it is Pretzie lives and giving him the cash. Also, why doesn't Pretzie have a cent on him? He's a salesman! Was business really that bad that he had nothing on him? The excuse is that he presumed Hercules would, but come on, you got him into the taxi you irresponsible dick. Getting back to things, the cab driver fails in his endeavour of course given that he tries to start a fist fight with Arnold-frakking-Schwarzenegger, and Herc overturns the cab before running off with Pretzie.

At this point, the film stops being a bit sub-standard and starts being tremendously bad. The two of them, not pursued by the cab driver, end up coming across some sports practice by local college guys. Because Herc can't keep his fat mouth shut, ends up in a competition with the college guys. He wins through some hilariously cheap and inept stunts which less demonstrate Arnold Schwarzenegger's physical prowess than they do highlight the sound effects guy's desire to put WHOOSH noises in the film and some almost comical unison 'lets all turn our heads at the same time to show how high he's jumping' acting. Note that when I say almost comical, I mean that I know it's supposed to be funny but it just looks bloody stupid.

Herc demonstrates javelin technique. Oh, you man you.

At this point we encounter more ancillary characters to whom we never grow attached. Specifically, the Camden's, Professor Camden and his daughter Helen. Helen is a bit of a wet blanket, but I am particularly intrigued by the professor, mainly because he seems to be high or something. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't act high, but he must be on some sort of industrial strength solvent or hallucinogen because at no point in the film is he remotely fazed by Hercules or his superhuman strength, and even encourages his daughter to go on a date with him. Even Helen finds his feats a little extraordinary. His strange and unswerving loyalty to Hercules is pretty impressive for a guy who has known him for all of half an hour. For god knows what reason, Professor Ketamine (sorry, Camden) invites Herc and Pretzie back to his apartment for dinner. Naturally there are a few hi-jinks and misunderstandings, as Pretzie improvises badly with animal horns (not as exciting as it sounds, believe me) and Herc commits a minor act of GBH by assaulting Helen's boyfriend ('You have strucked Hercules!'), the star athlete he managed to humiliate earlier on. Naturally, the Professor, by this time probably deep in the K-Hole, finds this all quite charming. The fish-out-of-water drama is agonisingly laboured. It shouldn't be that hard. He's a half man half god for crying out loud. The best these guys can do is Pretzie taking offence as to how Hercules 'talks to a dame', which isn’t exactly the highest on social taboos unless Hercules was saying ‘bring me your women, I wish to take them in a non-consensual fashion’. However he isn’t.

After witnessing Hercules committing assault of course, Professor Camden decides Helen should go on a date with Hercules, something she reacts to with appropriate astonishment. Yet she does it, spending a whole day with him and doing everything there is to do in New York, like get takeaway and walk in abandoned parks. Well, wouldn't you? The standout scene of the date is Hercules reacting to a film of 'Hercules vs The Monster' or something. It is priceless. It shows us the full extent of Arnold Schwarzenegger's grasp of English in 1969.

'Dat is nat Her-Koo-Lees! And vot is dat monster dat looks like it has come from dah-rectly from ze king-tum of da unda-wurlt?'

He then takes off his shirt, to show off his muscles.

Just your standard and average eighty-six thousand pack on show there.

This seems to simultaneously arouse and freak out Helen, who if anything is showing a worse acting range than Arnold is at this point. Of course it's the whole 'he doesn't look like me, watch as I behave like a bit silly in public, now laugh you jackals, laugh!' thing, and it does succeed, if on a level the filmmakers probably never conceived. It's all hilariously awkward and badly improvised (as a scene at the lake will testify) but the climax of the date is a day-for-night shot 'moonlit' (for this, read sun) carriage ride through central park. It is so obviously day it's almost embarrassing, but this is all dressing for the 'bear escape'. Thankfully, Herc and Helen's stilted and pulling-needles-from-cheeks awkward dialogue is interrupted by the bear attack.

Arnold in late 60s formal wear - a sight to be treasured.

Now, this being Hercules in New York and not, say, a good film, it has a bear costume that apparently was inspired by a combination of a gorilla and Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.The reason I say it isn't a gorilla is because the film reminds us quite vociferously that it is a bear. Except the great hairy thing lolloping around in Central Park is quite patently not a bear, and apparently even the actor in the costume realizes this.

Yes, THAT black shape is the bear. This is about as visible as he gets, believe me.

To cut things short, Herc sees it and beats the crap out of it - you really feel for the guy in the costume, believe me - and Helen does a highly irritating scream followed by a dead faint that sadly fails to totally brain her and thus remove her from the story as of this point. Hercules consequently becomes famous and ends up doing some handy wrestling-slash-weightlifting although the film can never seem to make up its mind which.

At this point, the gods finally get their shit together and decide to do something. Up to this point, all we'd seen of the Olympians was a bunch of simpering maidens begging Zeus to spare Hercules. Zeus initially sends Mercury (yes, there IS immense confusion over which pantheon of gods we're using here) and he is sent to Hercules to plead with him to come home. Naturally, a freshly showered Hercules declines his offer. The strange thing here is that Mercury arrives by Helicopter, and leaves by jumping out of the window. So if the bastard can fly, why use a helicopter to arrive? Maybe Olympus has a nifty line in outward air travel? Mentioning every incongruity in this film though is a little like the Withnail and I drinking game - Impossible to keep up with. Pretzie witnesses Mercury jump out of the window, and goes off to drunkenly confess what he saw to the Camdens, who naturally treat him with the respect he deserves i.e none. This is pretty much the sole explanation as to how nobody knows who Herc really is. Anyway, stuff starts to go a bit wrong as Pretzie is bullied into handing over Hercules’ wrestling contract by mobsters who would end up failing their auditions for the Godfather on account of being too hammy (Hamsters, haha). At this point, Zeus back on Olympia is having a tantrum about Hercules never doing anything he asks, and ends up asking Nemesis to go and tell him that he has to go to the underworld. But wait! There’s a twist! Juno, wife of Zeus (oh Jesus, not again) instructs Nemesis to poison Hercules and thus sap his strength. An extremely fruity looking Pluto, emerging from a subway like he’s in the chorus line from cabaret, then has to go and convince Hercules to come down or it will be the worse for him. Naturally he fails, mainly because I’m not sure the Pluto in this film could intimidate anyone let alone Hercules, and yes I am aware he should be called Hades. It is rather amusing that Disney’s Hercules has more accuracy in the Hercules mythology than this does. Think about that.

Only afterward did I see what it appears the woman in blue is doing to Zeus's...erm...globe.

To cut a long story short, Pluto rigs the right against the mobsters who think Hercules will win the...fight? Weightlifting competition? Well, when it occurs it’s just a weightlifting competition but isn’t Hercules supposed to be a wrestler...? Oh, never mind. My brain just exploded. Once again, I’m not sure writer Audrey Wisberg was quite paying attention on this one. Pretzie, having huge concerns over the mobsters, goes to the Camdens who also express their concern. Preposterously, the double-humiliated boyfriend of Helen is also there and also professes to having grown quite fond of Herc. When? They’ve met twice in the whole film! Was there a weird brother-bonding subplot they missed out of the final cut where they ran around, slapped their thighs and played with a football a-la Tommy Wiseau in The Room? Or is it just lazy writing?

It couldn’t possibly be that.

Naturally the broadcast fight between Hercules and his rival Gorgo does not go according to plan, although it seems Nemesis poison doesn’t exactly drain Hercules of his strength in this scene, given that he handles the weights with pretty impressive aplomb. After a long and very boring scene in which Hercules drops some weights and annoys the mobsters, a chase scene occurs. To say this chase is a little underwhelming is to imply there is anything to be whelmed by in the first place, given that almost nothing happens in it. There is a chariot chase in which Herc and Pretzie run from the mob in a hilariously sped up car chase, obviously in an attempt to make it look in any way thrilling. The fact that it doesn’t says something about the quality of the film. There is also a very laboured joke about a hot dog vendor chasing the chariot’s original owner, who is in turn chasing the chariot that Herc and Pretzie have stolen. You see, the vendor wasn’t quite done putting the onions on his customer’s hot dog, and...snigger...chortle...the chase finishes with the vendor finally putting the onions on the hot dog! Hilarity! Call the surgeon, I think my sides just split.

Thrills and spills. Yeah.

Sigh.

Basically, Herc and Pretzie escape from the mob in central park, having totally destroyed the chariot they were driving. The Camdens rescue them, and take them to a warehouse for some reason. This is where the final fight takes place, and to be honest, Hercules does fine even without his super powers. Soon there is some divine intervention however, when Hercules and Aphrodite conspire to send Atlas and Samson to help Hercules. Yes, you ARE reading that right. Atlas, the guy who was punished in Greek mythology to hold up the world, and the guy from the Bible whose incredible strength came from his hair. Uh-huh. Yeah, I’m calling bullshit on that one.

Atlas and Samson. I think I just heard a thousand classics students brains implode.

Still, they turn up, because this pantheon of gods is anything if not totally accepting of others in their flock, and proceed to do some serious butt-whooping on Herc’s behalf. As if realizing the scene has gone on too long already, Zeus returns herc’s powers to him after discovering that he’d had them taken away and this was not what he had asked although he had still requested his son be sent to hell, so his outrage at the whole Hercules-losing-his-powers thing seems a tad insincere. Still, Zeus restores his powers, Hercules wins. The end. Actually that isn’t the end, although in all seriousness this is where we say goodbye to Helen and Professor Ketamine, who never get character arcs and actually ceased to be functioning characters shortly after Helen passed out, in all ways it can possibly mean that. In a slightly curious scene, Herc and Pretzie go up on the Empire State Building’s roof, and Pretzie does some incredibly bad and boring schtick with the viewers on the rail that maybe in the 1960s would have been termed as ‘wacky’ but now just comes off as ‘painful’. You’d be forgiven for thinking the film had a script, and one gets the impression that Arnold Stang was given license to do anything he ruddy well pleased, like Robin Williams did in Aladdin, presumably because Arnold’s improvisations were just so gosh-darn hilarious. Actually, thinking about it, if Stang’s improvisation was favoured over the script, god knows what the script was actually like. Presumably it didn’t involve Pretzie hurling himself off the Empire State Building in a fit of shame while Hercules yelled loud and incoherent obscenities before breaking off the spire of the building itself with his huge muscular buttocks.

But I digress. None of this happens, though we wish it had.

Hercules basically apologises to his dad, and returns to Olympus in a clap of thunder. He rather neglected to tell Pretzie this however, and Pretzie shuffles off home in misery (don’t you dare feel sorry for him). At home, Hercules voice comes through the radio, and tells Pretzie not to be sad, as they are friends, and Hercules will always be in his heart. After all this sentiment, Pretzie contemplates all he has been through, and says:

‘In my heart, huh? I think I’ll have an apple.’

Arnold Stang. Not of LOL in this film.

Well, obviously. Wouldn’t you? Because apples and hearts have such an obvious verbal connection, apples looking a little bit like hearts after all. And there were people thinking that somebody hadn’t written a proper script for this film. The epilogue features Hercules finishing his tales of Earth to Zeus, who dismisses everyone around him and then decides to take his own little trip to earth. Oooh, hijinks galore! Then of course we get a sort of redux of the earlier plane scene where Hercules floated past the window, except this time with Zeus, who is going to Earth in disguise as a rabbi. Look, don’t ask me, just roll with it. There ends Hercules In New York, one of the most uniformly terrible films ever but still has a witless stupid charm to it that makes it so-bad-its-good material. Admittedly it is very boring, but hey, it’s got a barely coherent Arnold Schwarzenegger in it, who cares about that? Final thoughts are that the film is rubbish, but I would check it out for a bit of a laugh. Incidentally, the film was called Hercules Goes Bananas in Brazil. Personally I think that would be a far more awesome title, given that going bananas is what most of the characters seem to be doing in the film anyway.You want proof don't you though?

Told you so.

To finish off, here is a video, pilfered from youtube, showing pretty much most of the stuff I have described to you. Enjoy, and fear the Schwarz.