TOON SPOT - Fantastic Four 1978 - Ep.8 - The FF Meet Doctor Doom

The Marvel comics universe has many great shames. I still haven't forgiven it for One More Day, the comic series where Spiderman sold his marriage to the devil because his billion year old aunt is about to pop her clogs, and I have not forgotten the Ghost Rider film, where Mark Steven Johnson worked the same magic on films that he worked in Daredevil and um, Grumpy Old Men. To be honest though, comics fans have never had it better. Most of the big characters are enjoying success, Captain America is being written better than he ever has before, the X-Men is still fun and wouldn't you know it, I can still read Spiderman and not want to dry heave. This is not counting all the one-shots and mini-series and sub-characters who are all enjoying a modicum of success in the Marbel Universe. Hell, I'm even reading Thor. So for all our complaining about comics generally, be it incomprehensible crossover events (see DC's Final Crisis) or shameless cash ins, it is a pretty good time to be a comics fan. Let us take this back to the end of the seventies, when the world suddenly decided it didn't want to be fancy free and fun, and wanted to be miserable and dark. Admittedly, a new slew of blockbusters were coming out that would change the world forever – like Star Wars, you might have heard of it – but for some reason certain people just wanted to ruin it for everyone. Hence the Fantastic Four series that debuted in 1978. Now, I was born in 1984, so no, I would never have seen this series. I instead saw the 90s version, a far better series that was actually fun and made for good breakfast television. Having heard a lot about the legendary abortion that was the FF 1978 series, I sought it out on youtube as the series is not available anywhere, at all. I would only surmise that the reason for this is that Marvel are desperately trying to sweep this series under a rug, and quietly forget it ever happened. The problem is that the series has Stan Lee written all over it. I am being literal here, near every single episode is branded with his name, making you wonder if Spiderman, Thor and Iron Man were all just lucky flukes. 

Pictured: An abomination

 So it is hard to ignore something which is so 'proudly owned' by its creator, even if Stan Lee thinks now the series sucks harder than a Dyson. Having watched a number of episodes of this series, I have a few questions to ask, but the loudest and most important one I have to ask is this: What the hell was in Stan Lee's bong when he wrote this? I don't know what drugs Stan was dropping in the 60s and 70s but the guy must have been a smash hit at parties. The scripts for this series are just insane and so full of plot holes they are the writing equivalent of Swiss cheese. Let us start with the most glaring problem with Fantastic Four, specifically that only three members of the Fantastic Four are actually present and correct. Reed, Sue and the Thing are all there, but Johnny is nowhere to be seen. The rumour was that for this relaunched series, certain television executives thought children far and wide were total numbskulls and that they might try to set themselves on fire to emulate the Johnny, the human torch. Given that they were freely advertising Captain America, a man created by a secret performance enhancing drug, its astonishing they didn't rebrand him as well. Captain America! Created by hard work and perseverance! Thrill at his daily chores! See as he foils the dastardly schemes of the shop assistants to pack his shopping for him! In Johnny's place we have Herbie, an insipid robot thing who is camper than Butlins and is about as much fun. 

The replacement for the human torch. No, I don't know why either.

Herbie floats around being fastidious and hyper-intelligent and acts as comedy foil to Ben Grimm, the Thing, which he does badly. It is also revealed Sue and Reed are already married in this one, showing that character development is very unlikely to happen. Sue spends most of her time saying 'Oh No!' and 'Reed, you saved us!' and Reed spends fully half of every single episode expositing to the audience. If the team aren't stating the bloody obvious, they spend the rest of it not noticing the bloody obvious. Pretty much every single supervillain scheme relies on the FF being pants-on-head stupid and asteroid sized deus ex machinas that solve the whole episode. The art is terrible, everything is garish and ugly in all the wrong ways and the animation is just lazy. The sheer nastiness of it all would shame the animators on the Star Trek cartoon series. Check out the character design on Ben, The Thing.

Oh, dear god.

                                          

With some recoloration this guy could be the most racist cartoon stereotype of all time. So yes, it is very ugly. It is also gifted with an omniscient narrator who literally describes everything that happens in the episode. All that annoying tension and mystery getting you down? Then use the narrator from Fantastic Four, who can read out the story to you even as it happens! Leaves your storylines banal and spotless! They spend their time zipping around the world in what looks suspiciously like a bathtub, or possibly a flying sarcophagus, but that last description makes it sounds more awesome than it actually is. There we have, in a much as a nutshell as I can make it, the 1978 Fantastic Four series. Do not spin me the 'it's for kids' line, either. No child would ever watch this, and all the children who did watch it recall it now with little fondness. This series would insult a child, and also royally piss them off given that it does not have the human torch in it. So how does the madness of Stan Lee manifest in each individual episode? Well, I will go over a few for you in the coming weeks. First I wanted to start with Episode 8, a strange choice to be sure but there is no continuity between episodes so it honestly makes no difference. Besides, this episode actually introduces Doctor Doom, the first real nemesis of the Fantastic Four and he gets the proper 1978 treatment too, i.e his character is shat on from a great height.

Episode 8: The Fantastic Four Meet Doctor Doom - Story by Stan Lee, Teleplay by Stan Lee

We open with Doctor Doom plotting some sort of fate for the FF, as the narrator helpfully over-exposits, and seemingly has revenge in mind. He seems to be playing with some large dolls of the Fantastic Four (god it is hard to say that Herbie is 'fantastic') and then makes the decision to fly off from Latveria in a fairly dappy looking jetplane to confront them. The FF are at home in the Baxter building, and Ben is reading a copy of the Silver Surfer (??) when Herbie informs them his sensors are tingling and throbbing. When a robot as outright fruity as Herbie announces anything to be tingling and throbbing, the wisest decision would be to evacuate the room. In this situation however it is because Doctor Doom is flying his jet just above the Baxter building, which apparently they needed a very irritating robot to point out and highlights again that a) the Fantastic Four must be senses impaired if not one of them could sense a jet plane metres above them and b) that New York's air traffic laws had to be really lax if jets could buzz buildings at that height. Anyway, the jet unfurls something that looks unnervingly like an umbilical cord around the entire building, and Doctor Doom says that 'the trap is sprung!'.

The plane unleashes its great big glowing tube...god, I am so not going there.

He pulls a lever that results in chaos! Okay, it results in a few household objects leaping around in a fairly desultory fashion. Reed touches a chess piece, which sparks in his hand. Then follows a conversation that beggars belief.

Reed: Electricity!

Sue: Reed, what is it?

Reed: I think I know, Sue. Watch! (prods a clock) It's electrified! Something has happened to this room!

It doesn't take a genius to point out what exactly is wrong with this conversation, other than the fact it appears to be taking place between the mentally deficient children of Albert Einstein and a monkey. A hologram of Doom himself then appears and opines that Reed 'catches on quickly!'. No, he's just got an IQ higher than his shoe size, that's all. The title card of the episode then appears, pointing out that Stan Lee came up with this gem, so we know exactly who to blame. Reed then announces 'A hologram image! Forming before our eyes!', because the other three needed to know exactly what was occurring just in front of them. Reed recognises him as Doctor Doom, but none of the others (again) know who he is. Just after Doom congratulates Reed on being 'perceptive' about being unable to hit a hologram (sigh), Reed decides to explain who Doom is. Just so you know, the whole time, Sue is basically saying 'Oh no, what do we do!' and being a bit of a headless chicken. Good to see such a strong female role model. Reed describes Doom as the most dangerous man in the world, and hoped they would never have to battle him. So, you knew this was the most dangerous man in the world and you never actively did anything about it? Forget Superman, Reed Richards is a massive dick. Anyway, master of exposition Reed Richards then gives us the overly long backstory of Victor Von Doom, in which Doom blew his own face off in a lab experiment (he isn't wearing goggles in the flashback, so it was his own dumbass fault). He was unable to get his face fixed, so went off around the globe looking all the world like a Benedictine monk.

Witness the might of Doctor Doom.

He ended up in Tibet, where the monks gave him secrets of magic and rah-di-rah, and he forged himself a set of armour in which to take over the world. Thanks a lot monks, you really are idiots, no wonder China always seems to have it in for you. He then returned to Latveria to rule, and schemed to take over the world. This now begs the question as to how the hell Reed knows all of this. Was Reed his official biographer or something? Or is it that Reed is once again playing the Role of Basil Exposition and is having to lengthily explain the plot to his brainless teammates again? Hmmm. Also if Reed does know Doom's every movement then why didn't he see this attack coming? These are all perfectly legitimate questions, but because this episode obeys only Fantastic Four logic, it is never explained. Doom orders them to return to Latveria with him, which Sue naturally calls bullshit on, only for Reed to once again walk them all into mortal peril by saying that they should go with him. They all end up going in the end obviously, and follow Doom in their special FF rocket. At Doom's castle, a tower mounted laser shoots the rocket down, before some huge metal pole-arms with massive pincers grab the rocket in their claws and put it down on a landing space.

Honestly, you'd think he could get a launch pad or something.

It would obviously have been too much to actually let them land, but hey, he's an evil scientist so everything has to be done with some sort of contraption. A huge robot leads them all to Doom himself, during which there is an exchange about robots not having personalities, which Herbie takes offence at and Sue says (about Reed) 'Oh, he didn't mean YOU, Herbie!'. Oh, he did. He really did. They confront Doom, who reveals he wants to take over the world, quelle surprise. His speech is truly amazing:

Doom: I need still more wealth. I need money for more arms, more magic potions, more...giant robots.

The dramatic pause at the end is a thing of beauty. At this point, the plot becomes absolutely screamingly batshit insane. Doom's plan to conquer the world requires money. Now, how do you think he plans to acquire these funds? What would you do? I will present a multiple choice answer for you. Would you:

1. Rob the world's banks of gold.
2. Dig up a huge diamond mine, destroying an entire country but becoming hugely wealthy.
3. Build a time machine and send your mortal enemies back in time to acquire the lost treasure of the Pirate Blackbeard.

Put your hands up for the most idiotic villain in the world.

If you chose 1 or 2, you should clearly have written this episode. I am quite serious, this is Doom's big plan. The treasure of Blackbeard? Sorry, but Doom is clearly a total imbecile. Instead of just robbing a bank like any self-respecting villain, you're going to break the laws of the universe to get a box of treasure that may or may not exist from a pirate? 'He's mad!' Sue says, and for once, I'm inclined to agree. Ben quite rightly asks why he can't just do it himself, to which Doom says that he has to remain there to operate the machine. So it's a kind of shit time machine then. Reed then says now he knows Doom's plan, he refuses to help him. What were you expecting exactly Reed? Did you think his big plan would involve distributing bunnies and sweets to all the world's children? Knowing this would be his answer, Doom opens a panel in the floor with a lever, which drops Sue into a cell. This results in some seriously retarded dialogue.

Sue: I'm falling!

Ben: Susie!

Reed: A trap door!

Sue: He's captured me!

It's good to see the Fantastic Four springing into action.

It's all starting to feel like a scene out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The trapdoor is made of battleship steel, Reed explains, they'll never open it. Maybe pointing out that Ben has in this show moved bridge support struts and can lift weights of 50 to 100 tonnes, is just a tad redundant at this stage. So naturally their arm has been twisted, and Reed agrees to Doom's plan, adopting a weird hunched posture for the entire exchange with Doom who looks like he really needs some sleep.

Dude, seriously, catch some Z's.

Doom presses a button and then Reed, Ben and Herbie are sent back in time. Let's have a quick look at Doom's time machine, shall we? It has two buttons on it. Two. 

The future is now, ladies and gentlemen.

 Presumably one of these buttons is set automatically to 'A caribbean island in the time of Blackbeard' because that is exactly where they end up. I assume the time on the other button was 'Stan Lee's big bong party, at the height of the 70s.' Upon arrival, they attract the attraction of unmoving crowd figures courtesy of the world's laziest animators, and Reed recommends they beat a retreat. By sheer fluke, Blackbeard's ship is sailing by and a boat is put out to find treasure on the shore. Blackbeard himself, remarkable because he neither has black hair nor a beard, cackles that the treasure is safe in his cabin. Let's call him Browntache instead, it seems more fitting as his hair is brown and he has a moustache.

The mighty pirate Redtache, in the middle of a muscular spasm.

Reed points out that they need disguises, which Ben again points out is a little difficult given he is an orange rock monster and Herbie is a gay robot. Reed however refuses to be foiled by things such as logic, and gets Ben and Herbie to distract a team of pirates on the beach so he can solve their problem. Herbie says 'Don't kick sand in their faces!' at which point, Ben...kicks sand in their faces. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not. Reed, sporting a weird expression, then pinches a load of clothing from the treasure chests the pirates left on the beach, prompting the question as to why the pirates digging up their laundry. Ben and Herbie return, and Reed presents them with a load of clothing. Ben wants something to match his eyes, and Herbie wants something that doesn't 'tickle his transistors'.

…

Words fail me. The enclosed screengrab appears just as he says this.

Ben, run while you still can.

A fade later, and our heroes are wearing costumes that would look ridiculous on lego men. Disturbingly, Reed managed to find costumes that fitted him, a large rock monster AND a robot barely two feet tall. Ben's costume also clearly included a beard, because Ben is suddenly sporting a monstrous beard and moustache. Does most period pirate garb come with its own facial hair? Fascinating. Worst of all is Herbie. Seriously, how in the hell did Reed manage to find a costume that fitted a two feet floating robot with no legs?

'If anyone asks, we're on our way to the campest costume party in the world.'

Herbie wonders if his costume reflects the real him (yes, this isn't improving matters is it?) and the three of them are then spied by the same pirate gang from before. Astonishingly, not one of them notices that two of them look identical to the guys they chased two minutes ago, and decide they would be perfect for their crew. Reed decides it would be a great idea to let themselves be captured, making you wonder why they even bothered with the costume fiasco in the first place. We then have a torturous conversation in the boat over to Redtache's ship so that Reed can explain why they are going to the ship. Man, this feels like the longest episode of anything ever. Once onboard, they are just left to their own devices as all pirates are, and start searching the ship. Cue some comedy with the pirates realising how strong Ben is, Reed having no luck and then Herbie finally coming across Redtache gloating over his treasure. They then stage a coup which takes all of a few rolled barrels by Ben to start and finish. Redtache is deposed, and surrenders in the face of Ben's barrel rolling skills.

I thought I'd give you one action shot.

They then hail Ben the 'mighty blackbeard'. Oh, I seeeeee. Ben is actually Blackbeard! Oh Stan, you crazy kid. Despite the historical mindfuck this proposes, let's just try not to dig too deep here. The treasure chest therefore belongs to Ben, but naturally they can't return the treasure to Doom just like that. So Reed frees the original owners of the ship who we never saw up to this point, and it is also interesting he didn't spot them on his 'thorough inspection of the hold' but hey, Reed is clearly insane and sociopathic so it wouldn't surprise me at all. The team then replace all the treasure in the chest with rocks. Yes, you can see where this is going can't you? They return to the spot they arrived at, and Doom checks his clock and decides 'they should have found it by now.' I really hope it isn't necessary to explain to the inventor of the time machine how it is that time actually works.

'So if the big hand is on the 6 and the little hand is past the 1...'

He transports them back, and without checking the chest, Doom releases Sue. Upon her release of course, he looks in the chest an realises he has been had by the single most harebrained practical joke of all time. If it's this easy to beat Dr. Doom, the most dangerous man in the world, I fancy my own chances. His protests that Reed lied about returning the treasure chest result in Reed saying that he promised her would return the chest, not necessarily what was in it. Wow, that was OJ Simpson logic, I'm sure that one would stand up in court. Doom gets pissed, and sets the robot on them while he tries to escape with Sue. Well, I say 'tries', he actually spends the whole time in the doorway holding Sue's arm while Reed, Ben and Herbie combat the robot. Herbie decides to scan for weaknesses, and gets pimp-slapped across the room, probably the most entertaining moment of the whole episode and does not unfortunately result in Herbie's utter destruction.

PWNED!!!!!

Suddenly, Doom is in a control room with Sue, operating the robot on the screen like a rock-em-sock-em board game, and Sue suddenly remembers that she actually has a power and vanishes. Doom naturally thinks she has vanished, and Sue short circuits the robots controls. They all go to confront Doom, who has lost a lot of weight since the previous scene – maybe it's the stress? - and he drops himself through a trapdoor.

Weight Watchers: Even works on ironclad morons.

The FF then escape to their plane, and Doom decides to let them go all the time swearing revenge for their next encounter, from which the FF will inevitably escape on account of the fact Dr. Doom is a dumb arse. As the FF fly off, they exchange banalities about how fun the time travel was, and they all laugh their stupid arses off as they fly into the distance. The end, at long last.

Tune in for more bullshit, this time next week!

 

                                    
Verdict:

It's stupid, massively so. Not that it's fun, I have seen fun-but-dumb, and this is not it. It is pure nonsense. Remember this is supposed to be the introduction to Dr. Doom, one of the great Marvel bad guys, and this is the plan he comes up with? As well as being utterly insane, it is needlessly overcomplicated, and then Doom utterly destroys any point in the plan by not checking the chest when it is handed over. If this is the standard by which his plans are set, I dread to think what his later ones are like. As well as being inane, this episode is over-narrated and boringly performed. The dubious pirate voices are pretty bad, but the endless droning of Reed Richards never seems to stop. He talks almost the entire episode, allowing the other members of the FF to occasionally say things like 'But why?' and 'How do you intend to sort our shit out now, Reed?' and hey presto, he sorts their shit out. Ben gets the best lines as usual, but considering the terrible lines on show here, that is not saying much. Sue just bleats like an idiot, a sad fate for one of the best female characters in comics history. Herbie is just...Herbie. Between them, they just about make an idiot, given that they all have clearly had disastrous brain surgery immediately prior to the episode. I am not sure it's possible to get worse than this, but somehow, this cartoon manages it. Believe me, it does.