This series is, as has been stated by myself several times, absolutely barking mad. I'm not sure this manifests itself any better than in this episode, 'The Menace of Magneto'. In this episode, our mentally backward heroes encounter the equally mentally backward Magneto, and hilarity ensues. Believe me, while Magneto's plan isn't as outright bonkers as Doctor Doom's plan from the previous episode encountered, it is pretty bloody inane. Magneto is also less a criminal mastermind in this than he is a socially inept street entertainer with an ASBO.
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| Magneto: The only supervillain with a public restraining order. |
The guy just comes off as a massive dickhead for the majority of the cartoon rather than an actual villain, and it says something about this incarnation of the Fantastic Four that they almost let him get away with it. He is also voiced by the same guy who voiced Doctor Doom in Episode 8, only this time around he appears to be stoned as opposed to drunk. Now, since I have already introduced the cartoon, I think I will just clarify a few things. Apparently the rumour about the whole Human Torch debacle and its effect on kids is untrue; the character was going to be used in a television project that never took off, so they couldn't use the human torch. Not that that makes the cartoon any less palletable, it is still unutterable garbage that apparently not only Stan Lee worked on, but so did the legendary and sadly late comic artist Jack Kirby! I mean, I can imagine everyone's favourite comics godfather/druglord working on this in some capacity, but Jack-frigging-Kirby? Did everybody in the 70s lose their standards? Never mind, let's watch a crappy cartoon.
The Menace of Magneto, Episode 2 – Story by Stan Lee, Teleplay by Stan Lee
The opening of this episode has some notoriety on youtube thanks to Magneto's fantastically unbalanced antics that set the tone for the whole episode. Magneto turns up in the 'outskirts of New York city' in his supervillain vehicle, and my god, it is stupid. This vehicle manages to make the Fantastic Four's bathtub look positively chic. It's a bizarre floating purple thing with landing skids instead of wheels, and has a helpful red 'M' emblazoned on the bonnet so that Magneto can make it absolutely clear that everybody knows this car belongs to Magnetooooo (how I want to refer to him as of now owing to the stonkingly hammy voice acting).
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| Just...look at it. |
Anyway, the car arrives at a gas station while the gas station attendant does that now familiar Fantastic Four thing of describing exactly what he is seeing in front of him to nobody in particular. Magnetoooo asks for directions to the Baxter building, although the closest the attendant gets to giving directions is that the Baxter building is a 'long way from here', which apparently is enough for Magnetoooo or indeed any man who drives a car who has been pushed to ask for directions by a female companion. At which point, the attendant dares to tell Magnetoooo that his car might need some fuel, and this sends Magnetoooo into a violent rage which also results in him monologuing extensively about how bad-ass he is. He starts damaging property, such as bending a sign and flipping a truck in a highly unconvincing manner, because when someone contradicts Magneto then, in his own words, 'things begin to happen!'. As the attendant begs for his life, we then encounter one of the most bizarre animation flubs I think I have ever come across. One moment Magnetoooo is sitting in his car, with his uniform slightly overlapping the dashboard, when suddenly within a split second and in the same shot, his face completely changes as does his posture and positioning. It is as if he has been sodomised suddenly and painfully in the backside, resulting in the weird contorted lockjaw expression he has at the end of the animation cycle.
BEFORE
AFTER
Naturally, Magnetoooo sends the attendant fleeing for his life, although he can't have done much running since he runs away in one shot and then is seen standing right next to Magneto's car in the next shot. The animation and art is just terrible in this episode, even worse than the episode I reviewed previously. Other than the usual sloppy design and animation so choppy it looks like it was edited by a monkey with attention deficit disorder, its design is just nasty as hell. Look at Magneto's costume, for example. Say what you like about Dr. Doom's stupid plan, at least he looked like goddamned Doctor Doom. Magnetoooo here seems to be modelling some weird 'Priscilla Queen of the Desert' variant on his usual costume that makes him look so camp that even Herbie better watch out. Seriously, he has gold trimming all over his costume. All he needs is glitter sprinkled liberally all over his costume and you've got the world's first superhero drag act. We then see Magnetoooo talking at great length to himself about himself as he flies off in the direction of the Baxter building while declaring that the Fantastic Four are about to 'tremble before the menace of Magnetoooo!' Okay, I'm killing the Magnetoooo joke now, I really can't be joshed with it anymore. Magneto gets stuck in traffic (oh my god, the excitement is killing me) and a couple nearby remark on the floating car in a manner so blasé it is as if they are referring to an old tramp in the park kicking pigeons.
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| More thrills next week, when Magneto has to pay a speeding ticket. |
Magneto then reminds us for the third time that he is on his way to the Baxter building to take on the Fantastic Four. Magneto does spend a rather frightening quantity of time in this episode doing a heck of a lot of monologuing in the third person, and most of the time doesn't appear to be actually doing it to anyone either, making him just look crazy in the medical sense of the word as opposed to the supervillain definition. Again we see some terrifically slipshod animation as he decides the streets are too crowded, floats his car higher into the air, proceeds along at just above head height, is suddenly seven storeys up, and is then forty storeys in the air without having broken his monologue. 'What Magneto wills, Magneto does!' Magneto storms, as he parks his car. Roll opening title card. Wow, what a pre-credits sequence that was, thrilling stuff guys, really. I suppose next will come the saga of where Magneto parks his car? And what follows is....Magneto parking his car. If I had a tumbleweed, I'd smack Stan Lee with it right now, seriously. A passer-by remarks that Magneto cannot park in front of the Baxter Building because it's a no parking zone, at which point Magneto destroys the sign for this reason:
Magneto: The very sight of that sign offends me! And whatever Magneto finds offensive, must be destroyed!
So basically Magneto just needs an ASBO. Seriously, the guy is just a petty minded lunatic who goes around destroying property for no very good reason and is more of a mild public annoyance than a supervillain. We finally meet the Fantastic Three (I'll be damned if I ever describe Herbie as 'fantastic') in their penthouse on top of the Baxter Building, where Reed is playing chess with the aforementioned robot. Ben remarks that Reed is out of his mind playing chess with Herbie, and Sue tells him to be quiet because 'she's concentrating on her invisibility exercises'. Her excuse for this ludicrous activity is that if she does not practice every day, her power may grow stale. So on that basis, if Reed doesn't stretch absurdly all the time, his body will just seize up? If Superman doesn't fly for a while he forgets how to do it? Oh, yes. Naturally this is only mentioned so Sue can demonstrate something she does at least eight times in the course of this episode. At this point, a loud obnoxious alarm sounds, which according to read is a 'buzzer signal.' It turns out that this ridiculously loud emergency alarm is actually just their doorman in the lobby. My god, whenever a pizza arrives it must send their stress levels through the roof. Anyway, the doorman tells them that a gentleman named Magneto is down in the
lobby waiting to speak to them.
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| 'What? I've been bumped to 12? Nobody alters Magneto's reservations!' |
Yes, Magneto went into the lobby and demanded an appointment. You badass, what next? Going over red lights? Reed can't be fucked with the guy, and conveys this message via the doorman to an unhappy Magneto. For the third time in five minutes, Magneto irrationally loses his shit, and uses his powers to bring the penthouse lift down. He then says these two lines pretty much concurrently:
Magneto: Nobody is too busy to see Magneto!
And
Magneto: I am proving that nobody can deny Magneto!
Then, the disbelieving doorman asks who he is. He just told you twice, you moron! Nobody says Magneto's name as much as Magneto does in the third person, how on earth can you have missed it? The intruder alarm, considerably less aggressive than the communicator signal, indicates to Reed that Magneto is on his way up. Reed rationalises to Sue that because he is unarmed, he will admit him and see what he wants. For the fourth time we hear Magneto introduce himself, and now we get the reason as to why he is there: he wants to become the new leader of the Fantastic Four. Their response is, as you would imagine, polite amusement. Magneto insists he is more powerful than Reed, beginning what is essentially a deeply funny pissing contest where Magneto swings his dick around and hopes somebody notices. In a desperate need to prove how awesome his penis is, he destroys public property for no readily discernible reason.
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| Pictured: Magneto fucking up your lamppost. |
Don't get me wrong, I know Magneto did this a lot, but at least he did it with style and purpose. This incarnation is just being a massive knobhead. Amusingly, once they agree to listen to him, he returns everything to normal, making this section vaguely reminiscent of Tommy Wiseau's hilariously underpowered breakdown in 'The Room'. He also insists there are 'no limits to what he can do', which there are, given he has power over metal and nothing else. Magneto insists he is awesome, and on this basis he appoints himself the new leader of the Fantastic Four, and their response is to be non-plussed to say the least. Magneto challenges Reed for leadership of the FF, and Sue screams and moans and bitches as usual in this series. Yet again, Reed's big plan is to 'see what he wants'. So, the two go off to the workout room to fight, and Ben makes an off the cuff comment about them not fighting in the sitting room because 'Herbie just vacuumed'. Apart from a clearly twisted set of priorities, Ben has revealed that Herbie does the housework too? Oh my god, a camp as Christmas robot that minces around doing the housework too. So, to the fight. Magneto once again points out for the eighteen millionth time that he has control over metal, as if somehow Reed hadn't worked it out by now. Dude, you called yourself MAGNETO. The clue is the six letter word in your name just before the letter 'O'! I'm starting to think Magneto has short term memory loss and has to keep reminding himself of his name AND his powers.
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| An exciting visual highlight of the mighty battle between Magneto and Mr. Fantastic. |
Magneto's first attack is throwing shitloads of weights at Reed, who just throws them back. Reed's counterattack is about as effective as western foreign policy, in that it collapses hilariously. The fight ends with Reed wrapped up in metal cables by Magneto insisting that he...can't...move! So once again, Commander Monologue revels in his triumph. The Fantastic Four glumly sit and wonder why Reed was so utterly lame, and Ben gets into an argument with Herbie. Unfortunately, before Ben can turn Herbie into a numberplate, Magneto once again swans in and announces 'their first mission'. He has heard that a bank is going to be robbed, and it is the Fantastic Four's job to stop it happening. If you can't see where this one is going, then seriously, stop reading this now. Everyone in the FF points out the huge great elephant in the room, specifically that robbers tend not to advertise their intentions to perform thefts, but no, Reed says to give Magneto a chance. What is it with Reed and giving evil overlords 'a chance'? Even Herbie, the annoying little prick that he is, says that Reed is behaving strangely. This of course depends on what you count as normal behaviour for the sociopathic and quite possibly insane Reed Richards. But no, obviously Reed's slightly OTT ass-kissing of Magneto is one of those big red plot flags they just love to wave in our faces. Magneto outlines his plan as follows:
- They will proceed in two cars to the bank. Magneto in his own, the FF in their Fantasticar.
- This they must do in 5 minutes.
- They will then break into the bank and take the money themselves, in order to protect the money from the bank robbers.
Re-read step three. Now, on a notepad, write down what you perceive to be the possible flaw in this plan, and what could possibly happen. You done? Good, I assume we all have the same answers. He then says this:
Magneto: Only Magneto could have thought of such a plan! Criminals won't have a chance against us.
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| Um...feel the menace of Magneto....? |
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| Words fail me. |
Ben: He must think we're idiots!
You don't fucking say. I mean, you only helped a notorious villain who monologues extensively to himself commit a bank robbery with no questions asked.
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| 'We're putting this money where? A Swiss bank account? Under your name?' |
He can't have a single reason to think that you're idiots! One other thing to mention is that this whole section takes place at night, so we can barely see anything that is going on. Upon their return to the base, Reed tells them he had Herbie put Magneto under observation with his proboscope. Ooh err matron! It is a viewing lens that lets them see no matter how dark it is, and apparently can also record people's voices from several miles away too as we hear Magneto cackle to himself about taking the money and being rich beyond his wildest dreams! This is a sad time for anyone who has ever enjoyed the X-Men and the amazing villain that Magneto used to be, because watching this short section is like watching somebody deliver their own funeral eulogy as they're being lowered into the ground. Aside from this, Reed reveals that his brown-nosing of Magneto was all part of his master plan! The others seem surprised, despite the fact he does this pretty much every episode. This is all insufferably boring stuff, and finally picks up again once we return to Magneto talking to himself. Not that this is exactly an improvement, given what he says is this:
Magneto: The money is paper, so I can't lift it with my magnetic power!
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| The moment a thousand comic fans hearts were broken. |
Tune in next week for Open University with Professor Magneto, who will then tell you the most efficient way to asphyxiate yourself with a plastic bag. The FF turn up out of nowhere, much to the astonishment of Magneto, and given how they've behaved thus far, I don't blame him. We then have a hilarious fight in which Magneto tries to pull them out of the sky with his powers, Reed tells Ben to hang onto the sides to keep the fantasticar stable, resulting in a lot of shaking and bad animation.
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| You have no idea how long it took to get this screenshot. |
Magneto brings the car down, during which sequence we can clearly see Ben hanging off the side of the car, showing he obviously gave up on Reed's master plan moments after doing what he said. Upon crashing, they are seen to be totally fine and with no problems whatsoever. Reed tells Sue to make Magneto's car and money invisible, so he can't find them. Despite the fact he was standing next to them, Magneto is befuddled as to where they have gone. He then gets all defensive again, and Reed and Magneto end up in yet another pissing contest. It is almost exactly the same as last time. Magneto says 'I have the mightiest power, nothing can defeat me, watch this, I can bend shit' and Reed makes a smug reply. This time however, after failing to ensnare Reed with some bent steel rails, he fires some screws at him from the side of a train, which Reed bounces back straight into their sockets. Fantastic Four just broke the laws of physics, by the way. Also, Magneto, you've tried this trick on Reed at least twice in this episode, haven't you worked out by now that firing small metal projectiles at him DOES NOT WORK? One way or the other, Magneto says his patience is at an end! Holy crap, now he's pissed! Look out! He's going to return Reed's library books late! Reed once again points out he let a villain win so he could learn their plan, showing once again he is insane, puts anyone in harm's way to see if a plan with only the vaguest of structures might possibly work and to hell with the body count. Reed whips out a weapon, which Magneto immediately laughs at, as do we.
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| I'm still trying to work out what the hell that thing on the end of the gun is. |
Magneto then describes exactly what he is about to do to said gun, and tries to kick Reed's arse with it, only to find the gun does not respond to his powers. Suddenly, Magneto totally loses it. Within twenty seconds, he turns from a pompous posturing gasbag into a whingeing cowardly gasbag. He rationalises that as the gun does not respond, he has lost his powers, and therefore surrenders. The alternative is so obvious it is practically lit up with a neon sign saying 'DEUS EX MACHINA ALERT!' all over it. Naturally the police arrive, and Reed is made to explain to Magneto how he was able to defeat him; why, with a wooden gun! And magnets don't work on objects not made of metal, and this episode is almost over so I no longer have the urge to put my fist through a wall. Magneto is led away with this knowledge, and yet does nothing about it. Dude, you still have your powers! You can escape! Seriously, you're just going to let them drive you away saying 'It's a fair cop'?
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| 'My god, I am such a dick' |
Guess what. This is his only appearance in the FF 1978 series, so according to the continuity of this series, this is a decisive victory over Magneto who is never heard of again. Back at HQ, Sue congratulates a very smug Reed, who is then described by Herbie as having not only the quality of strength to be a leader but also 'the quality of wisdom'. He must also have the quality of sanity and not of sociopathy Herb, but never mind, we're close to the end so I'm feeling charitable. During this scene Reed strikes an odd pose which looks suspiciously as if he's done a fart in the room and is immensely pleased that nobody knows it was him.
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| We know you did it, Reed. |
The conclusion to the episode is that Sue and Reed want to go to a disco, and Ben and Herbie have a gay lover's spat. As every story should end.
Verdict:
The funniest thing about this episode is Magneto. The others play second fiddle in the hilarity stakes, although Reed does make an attempt to prove he is the biggest of idiots several times. Other than this, the episode is deeply boring and tedious. Very little actually happens, and Magneto's big plan is utterly inane, relying on the FF being massively stupid and braindead just so he can get away with it. If the FF had half a brain between them, the episode would be over after a minute:
Magneto walks in.
Magneto: I am Magneto!
Fantastic Four: Go away.
Magneto: No-one tells me what to do.
Fantastic Four: Seriously, piss off.
Magneto: Magneto will now leave!
Magneto leaves.
Seriously, Magneto's plan is so utterly stupid they have to make the heroes more stupid just so they can stretch a plot that would resolve itself in two minutes to 20 minutes in length. All in all, this isn't as jaw dropping as the previous episode reviewed story-wise, although most of Magneto's early stuff is pretty special. Mostly, despite the mutilated character of Magneto, it's just plain boring. It is my continuing mission to watch other episodes of this dreck and report back, so tune in for more soon. In the meantime, nobody tells Mark Odell what to do! And when Mark Odell is angry, things begin to happen!
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